Seeing him again

There I was, happily playing in the pool with my kids. When I looked up and saw him. I was so stunned that for a moment all I could do was stare at him. I'm hoping now that he didn't see me staring. What would he think?

When I was a sophomore in high school, I was, shall we say, um, top heavy? I got a lot of comments ranging from "you are so lucky" from girls, to grunting and staring from the boys. Behind my back it was said that I was easy. What is it about big boobs that makes people think a girl is easy? It isn't like sleeping around makes your breasts grow.

One day after practicing for the musical, when the school was virtually empty except for the theater, I wanted to go fix my hair. For some reason, I went to one of the restrooms farther away from the theater. I didn't notice him behind me. I got all the way into the restroom and was startled by hands pulling at me from behind. I was whirled around and slammed up against the mirror, all the while being groped and slobbered on. It felt like he was trying to jam his tongue down my throat. When I finally was able to process what was going on, I managed to push him off me. I yelled something at him, something stupid and totally senseless I'm sure, and ran out of the bathroom.

I don't remember ever telling anyone except one person. His girlfriend was in my biology class. I told her what he had done to me. She called me a liar, said I was just jealous, and for the rest of high school, even after they had broken up, refused to speak to me and talked about me to her friends. I don't know why I never told a teacher, the principal, my mom. I guess I thought that since I was built that way, I was just going to have to get used to that kind of stuff happening.

The summer between my sophomore and junior years, I had a breast reduction. Guess who is the only person to ever notice. Him. Yeah, he denied what happened, but he still managed to be the only one to see that I had changed.

So there I was, at the community center's indoor pool. James had taken Honor to use the restroom. I was watching for her to come back when I saw him. It took the breath right out of me. I know I wasn't raped or beaten or even physically hurt at all, but the site of him, even 22 years later, brought back a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I thought was gone. Does it ever completely go away?

This year is my 20 year high school reunion. Up until that day, I had been trying to decide if I should go or not. Seeing him was a great way to make up my mind.

Something Crazy

I had a God moment this morning in the car.

I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's newest album, This Moment and a song came on that I absolutely love and had actually decided that I would get the background track so I could sing it sometime.



Anyway, this time as I was listening to it, I suddenly started to cry. Wait. Cry is not the right word. I was overcome. I don't know how else to describe it. I really believed I would have to pull over so I wouldn't kill someone!

Let me back up a couple of weeks. Wait--a couple of decades. When James was about 21, he funded his own mission trip to Togo, West Africa. His aunt and uncle were missionaries there. He stayed for a month and came back with a strong impression that he was being called to missions. Then he met me.

I am a home-girl. No, no. Not THAT kind of home-girl (yo). I just like being within about 50 miles of where I was born. Kinda like a homing pigeon. Yep, I'm a pigeon. I never wanted to be anywhere but right here in good ol' Kansas. The year we went to New Mexico was one of the worst times in my life.

James told me he wanted to go to Africa someday as a missionary. I said, "OK! I'll go!" But then I did everything I could (intentionally or subconciously) to tie us here. In my head, I wanted to be where God wanted me to be. In my heart, I wanted to be in Kansas. I told God I would do what He wanted, but I wanted Him to want me right here. I even pretended that He said "right here" was fine with Him.

OK, now back (or is it forward) to a couple of weeks ago. I was surfing the web (when am I ever NOT?) and I found myself on the Southern Baptist Convention website. Don't know how. Our church just recently became Southern Baptist, so maybe I was curious. Really, I don't know. Anyhoo, I came across a page for mission openings. My stomach flipped. I switched tabs. I switched back. I clicked the link that said something like "so you think you want to be a missionary, huh?" I read through the list of things to do to make sure that missions is your thang. I think the first one said "pray about it".

So that's what I did. But only in my spare time. Whenever I would think about it I'd send a shout out to God and ask, "so, God. Missions?" Honestly, it was never more than a passing thought. I think, no I'm sure, I was still hoping He would just ignore my stupid little prayers and LET ME BE.

Now, back to today. Driving. Listening. Singing. Crying. And I knew. I KNEW. I got my answer. I don't know where this revelation is going to take me and my family. It probably won't even be soon, but I KNOW that some day, I will be a full-time missionary. And I also know that it probably won't be in this country. Yikes. That scares me almost as much as drawn-on eyebrows.

I will keep you updated. I'm sure we will start the process soon. I don't have a bachelor's degree and I know a lot of mission boards require one.

Please pray for us. Pray that God would direct us to the right board, the right location, and the right time.

Oh, and the song that inspired the title to this blog entry, Something Crazy. It's right after Yours on the CD. It's a happy, upbeat song, but I cried like a baby through it, too. God was taking my stubborn little heart and shakin' the "me" out of it. It was definitely crazy.

And it's crazy when love gets ahold of you
And it's crazy things that love will make you do
And it's crazy but it's true
You really don't know love at all
'Til it's makin' you do
Something crazy

Crazy. The end.

ouch

had surgery on monday for tennis elbow. it hurts. i can't use my shift key excet for a few characters like !@#&*()? and". i'll be back sporadically until i can use both hands again. bye.

A Non-Scale Victory and an Honor Quote

At weigh-in on Saturday, I was down another 3.8 pounds, putting me at (drumroll please) AN EVEN 30 POUNDS gone forever! And the NSV is that I got into my next-smaller-size jeans comfortably yesterday. It was AWESOME!!

Now for the quote. Wait, first, let me set the scene. Briar and Honor were on my bed with me. Honor really doesn't like it when one of the other kids insinuates that I'm his/her mama, too. For some reason this week she's really into Briar.

Me (hugging Honor): My Honor.
Honor (hugging me back): My mama.
Briar (hugging us both): My Honor and my mama.
Honor (sitting up): Ok, she can be both of our mama 'cuz we're twinnies!
Me: But what do I do with the other kids?
Honor (way too happily): Just let 'em DIE!

The way she said "die" was gravelly and drawn out. Really creepy. And she was smiling the whole time, which just added to the creep factor!

Before picture, again.




Here I am at 26 pounds gone. Do I look different? I don't see it so much.

3 year-old Love and Logic

So, we're taking a Love and Logic class. For those of you who may not know what that is, it's basically a class to teach parents how to manipulate their children, strangers, and each other. It's great. No, really. It's great. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, one of the principles we've learned is that we need to give our kids more control over their own lives. We are taught to make everything (within reason) a choice for the kids. Ex: Would you like to get dressed first or eat breakfast first? Would you like to put your jammies on and then brush your teeth or brush your teeth first? So, one of the suggested ways to get a kid to clean his/her room is to say, "Would you like to clean your room yourself or hire someone else to do it for, say, $10 an hour?" Of course, the kid is going to say, "But I don't HAVE that much money!" So they clean their room.

Hmph. Last night I was giving all the choices I could think of to each of the 3 smaller kids. Jammies or clean up first? Snack now or later?, etc. Honor was not cooperating with this method as she was completely distracted by her new school book. She didn't want to clean! So, I finally said, "Do you want to go to bed now or clean now?" She furrowed her little brow and mustered the most adorable I'm-really-considering-my-options look and said, "Hmmmmm....how 'bout YOU clean and I'll give you money?"

Touché. They must have a Love and Logic for 3 year-olds.

Flatout Pizza

Here is a recipe from my favorite thing to eat this week. Sorry. No picture. I ate it.

Ingredients:
1 Flatout Italian Herb Carbdown or Sundried Tomato
1/4 C. Lite Ragu spaghetti sauce
1/2 C. Low-fat mozzarella cheese
17 slices turkey pepperoni
green peppers, onion, mushrooms, jalapenos

Directions:
Spray both sides of wrap with cooking spray and place on a cookie sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 8 minutes. Top wrap with sauce and add your choice of toppings, ending with the cheese. Bake an additional 10 minutes.

I have eaten one of these every day for the last 4 days. I would have had them for dinner as well as lunch, but I don't share very well.

According to their website, Flatout Wraps can be found at Dillon's and Super WalMart in the Shawnee Mission area, but I only found them at SWM. The customer service people at Dillon's looked at me like I was crazy. Which I probably am, but they don't KNOW that.

If I make another tomorrow, I'll try to remember to take a picture before I snarf it all down!